...and then I forgot the gift

major meltdown part 2



so the night before the shower arrives and this whole time I've been planning on making the momma to be a nursing cover, because I found the absolute perfect fabric.



but of course if it wernt for the last minute nothing would get done. I have a couple of friends over for dinner and I'm working on my project just hanging out and i have to take them home.



so we're driving home and my friend is talking about another friend that is helping with the baby shower and shes like in a few months we'll be throwing her a shower and my heart stops. what? I ask. shes pregnant, you didn't know? end of first trimester beginning of second, somewhere around there.



so I drop her off and the second she steps in her door, I'm balling. full on cry fest, but I'm driving and well crying out to God and just a royal mess.



so yet another person pregnant and I'm not. and this isn't a close friend by any means but she definitely in my circle of friends, Ive lead a small group with her, had dinner at her house. our husbands are part of the men's ministry leadership together. by no means strangers.



Jealousy and heartbreak consume me . I get home a mess, David the wonderful husband that he is comforts me. I talk out all my irrational fears, we're really not meant to be parents, I just thought I was supposed to be a mother, there were a whole host of them but that's the thing about irrational thoughts, they're irrational and you cant think of them after the fact.



so the next day I'm still on the brink of tears all morning but I've pulled myself together I have everything I said I would bring or need for games packed. I had finished the nursing cover somewhere around midnight. but its done and wrapped and I'm good to go.



till I get to the church and realize Ive forgotten the gift. I got out to the car just to make sure, and sure enough its not there either.



I see the pastors wife in the parking lot and tell and shes like its ok, you can give it to her one on one, it will be better that way. and I just cant hold myself together anymore and I start crying.



and somehow get across to her my mindset, how really forgetting the gift isn't really about forgetting the gift. but somehow the gift was holding me together, or something. I don't know even what i said. I just remember the heartache, still feel the heartache.



she prays for me in the middle of the parking lot, very comforting. then offers for me to go with her on an errand, which I gladly except.



the shower went beautifully. I went home between services and got the gift, she like it. it was an afternoon.



and i have to keep reminding myself. this is just a season, a season of being childless. and I may have a season where I'm not childless or I will continue on being so but either way I will be ok.



some days its harder to remember this then others

the last 8 months...

AKA major meltdown weekend part 1

So My friends baby shower was 3 weeks ago. we went off the pill at virtually the same time and we had been check-in buddies almost every month until month 5 and shes pregnant. and I wasn't.

initially I was just disappointed it wasn't me first. but a gazillion million women get pregnant within the first year of going off the pill, and it had only been 5 months so it was fine right?

as her pregnancy progresses however my disappointment turns into slight jealousy, which has increased exponentially with her baby belly as well as compounded with the fact that, oh guess what, I'm still not pregnant. .

alot of the time its hard for me to be around her, because since its her first birth and how it should be its all about being able to feel the baby flutter, doctors appointments and ultra sounds and finding out the sex of the baby, and how hes spreading out and making himself at home in her ribcage and how many inches shes grown and and and. and shes by no means rubbing it in my face. its just I want to be experiencing these things

don't get me wrong I am soooo happy for her. so much so that despite my jealousy and I really don't know what I was thinking I agreed to lead the games at the shower. and this wasn't any normal small close friends and family shower. it was being hosted by some women at the church and being held, at the church

so as the shower approaches my period doesn't, in fact it doesn't for 3 weeks and at this point I was convinced I was pregnant. however 3 pregnancy tests and then my period later I am yet again disappointed. so a week before the shower I'm disappointed but,I'm over (so I thought)

so I'm planning the games, gathering the supplies and ready for the shower, until the night before...