i want to live in never never land

today is just day, it will soon be over and tomorrow will be better.

for now im overwhelmed with life.

we've barely been hanging on, waiting till today when David gets his financial aid check from school. he deposits it and what does the bank do? put a 2 day hold on it.

now if only the gas will hold out until then for David to get to and from school. I had to find a ride to church tonight. I wouldn't go but I'm teaching the little girls this month on friendship, so i have to be there. I had to admit to friends that i didn't have the bus money.I hate that, stupid pride. which caused me to cry, and now i cant stop. bleh.

had an interview today, went well. they already told me that they're going to call me back next week for a second interview. the job sounds interesting and the organization would be good to be with long term. problem is its across the bay which means toll money and extra gas and the pay isn't that great and its only 20 hours a week which doesn't even cover rent. meh. but at this point income is income, better then nothing.

somedays i dont want to be a grown up.

A Conversation

I had a conversation this morning that Ive been saying I would have for over a year. Ive been seriously saying I would have it for the last 4 months.

I was reminded last Saturday that I really need to have it. I was basically told that it was a contingent of me having baby. not in the Gods punishing me sort of way, just in I told you to do A before B can happen and then you get upset with B not happening and wonder why.

It wasn't what I was expecting, not in a bad way, just in a I've had this planned out in my head and it didn't go the way it did in my head (conversations like this never go the way I have planned in my head, I don't know why I ever expect otherwise).

it feels good to be done, don't know why I ever dreaded it, but then again it probably was something I wasn't really ready to do until now (duh!)

ok now my question is what next? I thought I was ok not knowing the bigger picture but I lied I want to know the big picture. David and I both working full time? a baby? part time? I want to know! my impatience is creeping up on me.

pure jelousy and I know it

I found out a couple days ago that my friend is pregnant. we went off the pill at the same time so we've been doing the monthly check up and talking prenatal vitamins and other such stuff. I am soo excited for her and at the same time disapointed for David and I.

I heart babies and I know God has a plan for us, but couldnt I have gotten pregnant too? I think what added insult to injury was I found out the day I started my period. blah.

I'll get over it, but I hate that I feel this way.

I'm over it

Day 11 and I am soo over fruits and veggies. even when I "cheated" and made soup didn't help anything. The only food item I'm not sick of are avocados. I want dairy, cheese, eggs, milk. oh dairy, I took thee for granted. I don't even care about meat. Dairy and black beans and I would be happy. and maybe a little bread, mmm carbs.

yeah, this is a good thing. I'm doing this for Jesus, he died for me, least I can do is stick through this till Feb 11. 29 days to go.

in other news I applied to 4 jobs yesterday as well as the city college of San Francisco. I'm either going to get a job and actually be able to start paying my student loans or take 6 units and defer a little while. I have the option of taking any class I want and I cant find 2 that I want to take. meh, at least one class to strengthen up my excel and access skills.

just tonight and tomorrow then I'm outta hear for 4 days for a wonderful quilting retreat, for sure the highlight of my month so far.

second guessing my choice

so my thoughts on the fast and me trying to get pregnant going into the fast was I'm fine to do it and if i find out I am then I'll obviously stop.

first Sadie said something about it (concerns of doing so) and now I just talked to another friend who is also trying to get pregnant and she has cut out alot of stuff but is more or less still eating normal, just in case she is pregnant and doesn't know it.

and now I don't know what to do, continue on as it? or modify it but keep some proteins and other stuff in that I've cut out just in case.

I'm thinking at the very least i shouldn't do the juice and water only days or I don't know. hm. My free meal of pizza was delicious though, there's something I do know.

Some Days

Some days things are easy, so easy to be strong in your walk,to know and trust in the plan you know God has for you.

Today started out that way. and now it is a day where I feel like a deer caught in the headlights not knowing which way to go and I just want to hide under the covers.

I am however thankful for my friends, that is my positive for the day.

I need to build a bridge and get over it, I think I shall sulk for a little while longer, plan an activity for the youth tonight and call it good. Im sure I'll feel better after youth group, I usally do.

I heart brussel sprouts...

...and other things I'm learning on the fast

Day 6 and so far things having been going pretty good. we've been having prayer from 5-8am everyday this week, we haven't been getting there at 5 but 6 is early enough and really this has been the hard part, getting up early. The prayer time has been great and God is really doing some great things already.

I'm learning to get creative with veggies. I didn't know I really liked brussel sprouts till this week, or that my favorite all purpose seasoning has sugar in it(really? sugar,why?) and that lemon is good on almost anything and there is such thing as too much pepper. I am soo thankful to my mother for giving me all kinds of fruits and veggies growing up so I enjoy them now.

so things keep trudging along, I'm glad I decided to do this. I wont lie though, I'm excited for the free meal this Sunday. We have friends coming over and they suggested pizza, I'm excited!

Fast 2009

so my church is doing a 40 day fast, the first real day of no food is today. Just water for the next two days and then water and clear juice on Monday.

this is a huge challenge for me, Ive done a day here and day there, given up certain items, but nothing this focused and in depth.

I last ate yesterday day at 5:30pm. I never realised until today how many food commercials there are, or commercials with food in them, or how much people on television eat.

there are great things in store during the next 40 days, I just need to remember that. I can do this, really, i can.

I'm just thankful I'm doing this with my husband so we're in it together.