New Residency

I have a new residency, I am now a resident of my church, in San Francisco.I always said I wanted to live in this city, and now I do, its wonderful.

Besides my husband I now live with 7 other guys. its not as odd as it sounds, or maybe it is, either way it doesn't feel odd.

the building was built in 1916 or something like that- its really old. our room is at the top of the choir loft, actually one of our doors goes directly there.

I thought I would be extremely heart broken over not having a whole apartment to ourselves anymore and not being able to entertain, and no Christmas and all that. alas that is not the case, there are 2 huge (15 foot? maybe taller) trees with pretty sparkly lights and tomorrow I get to cook dinner for the interns and staff that also live here, all the guys that usually eat out, eat leftover cake people bring or at most make scramble eggs.

I'm thinking tuna noodle casserole and one other casserole type dish with veggies and salad, or something along those lines. its cold and rainy hear maybe some sort of soup.

our room is still slightly disorganized, all of our boxes are stashed away but I still have suitcases of clothes everywhere, ill work on that tomorrow.

I think I shall enjoy my time here, its different but it feels like home. it will definitely be a statement of faith and a story to tell my grandchildren, I once lived in a church.

hunger, or something

today after church (the big Christmas musical,good stuff but for another post) so today after church I went to lunch with a group of people.

we had all participated in the musical and were all starving. we were so hungry and there were so many choices we sat starting at our menus, frozen in indecision.

I am now home and I have a almost identical feeling. this week I have:

a final for a class that got cancelled last week(the classes are only 4 weeks long,the last class is basically just the final so missing a day is huge) there's 16 chapters I'm currently on chapter 5 or maybe 6.

we move Thursday, i have stuff all over my apartment. a good majority of it is intended for salvation army (hopefully coming Tuesday)

have I mentioned despite massive amount of preparation we haven't started packing? (I have some boxes, there's nothing in them yet)

oh and yeah, I got a job. a huge blessing but currently a huge inconvenience

we move Thursday, why am I such a bad procrastinator, or really good one. or something.

so yeah, I'm frozen in indecision where to start first? the packing? the organizing of the packing? 10-11 chapters of reading?

I want a nap, or a quilt. or both.

it will get done, it always gets done.

27 candles

I am 27 today.

Not entirely sure how it sounds, I greatly enjoyed being 26, 25 too. 27 sounds less like mid 20's (cuz its not,lol) and more like oh goodness I'm almost 30.

yes I thought I would be in such a different place at 27 than I am, but I'm ok with that. If I were where I thought I would be, I would not be following the perfect plans HE has for me, so its a good thing.

I was kinda saddened that I wasn't going to get to do a party this year with the sate of our apartment due to the move. But now that the day is here I couldn't ask for a better day.

its raining beautifully, after I'm done writing this I'm going to cozy up on the couch with my husband whatch a few episodes of the big bang theory and drink some SLO roasted coffee that makes me think of my mom and then I'm going to quilt and work on Christmas presents.

later we're going to dinner at a restaurant called Max's. we went there on our honeymoon. My pastor and his wife gave us a gift card to there a few months ago that I asked if we could save for my birthday. it will be a good day.

a day perfect for a 27 year old.

Pesto and Peppers

I made roasted red and yellow peppers, mushroom and pesto sandwiches sprinkled with Parmesan for dinner last night.

They turned out delicious, even Jackson said he would eat them again and he's not a huge pesto lover. I personally thought I put a tad too much pesto ( I cant believe there is such a thing) but that would be easy enough to fix when I make them again. I would also like them on a different bread, but all we had were hamburger buns, which were fine but I imagine them more on a baguette or ficacia, ooh or the herb slab from acme bakery down at the ferry building, I love their fresh bread.

we had to leave for youth group early so we ate at the early bird special hour of 4:00, but they held their own and I wasnt hungry untill 11 after I had been running around with the kids and driving them home, so im usally hungry afterwards no matter what I had for dinner

here's how they looked fresh out of the oven, before I put them together. They're much prettier open faced, which I guess we could have eaten them that way, just messier.

fritata

i was quite proud of myself last week, I actually remembered to make fritata. Ive been wanting to try making one since my pastors wife brought a couple to a women's ministry meeting a couple of weeks ago.

before Thanksgiving I had managed to empty my refrigerator from anything not Thanksgiving related so Tuesday night I was struggling to figure out what to make for dinner. I was watching some television show and they were making fritata and I was like, hey that's what ill make. I pulled out some of the canned goods I had on hand for a crock pot recipe and 8 of the 5 dozen eggs my husband talked me into buying and starting making up a recipe.

half a can of corn, diced tomatoes, a whole can of diced chili's, a couple teaspoons of taco seasoning, a tablespoon or two of half and half and voila,fritata.

doesn't look too pretty but it was Delicious!

(please ignore my dirty stove top,i'm a messy cook)

Meal Plan Monday (on a Thursday)

so my bestest oldest friend has recently embarked on journey towards vegetarianism and has inspired me to take my own taking meat out of my diet to the next level

you should check it out http://newveginnings.blogspot.com/ (how do i make links pretty, so you don't see the whole link,anyone?)

so in light of this new dietary inspiration I went to the grocery store today as I am more or less out of thanksgiving leftovers

so here is my meals for the next few days in no particular order

crock pot pulled pork and peppers ala tempeh served with bake sweet potato fries ( this is an experiment on substitution for a previous meat filled recipe I love)

Nutty Lentil loaf with pecans

eggplant parmesan (I will conquer my fear of eggplant)

roasted peppers and pesto sandwiches oven baked with parmesan

I'm quite excited

procrastination

I'm a procrastinator, nothing new. Having to move in 18 days doesn't change anything.

Ive gone through most of my books to see what I'm willing to get rid of and what I want to keep. I have a couple of huge stacks to take to the used book store. I'm proud of myself for actually getting rid of stuff. I'm a pack rat by nature so this is kinda huge. I still have alot of books though. a good chunk of old textbooks that I haven't been able to bring myself to get rid of, I should though.

In the process I found a cookbook: Saving Dinner the Vegetarian Way, healthy menus, recipes and shooing lists to keep everyone happy at the table.

I had forgotten that I like it, it has lists (i heart lists) and its arranged by season, so you cook things with season vegetables. Ive only done one recipe out of it, it turned out pretty good. It has re-inspired me to try more vegetarian cooking, and now that I am almost out of thanksgiving leftovers I can go back to normal cooking, now is a perfect time to do so.

I'm savoring the last few weeks in my own place. I know this wont be the last place that we will have of own, but its been home for 3 1/2 years, and it was the place where I really embraced my love of being a wife and all things domestic.

ok I should go back to sorting. I have too many books and too many clothes.And stuff. so much random stuff I don't know what to do with.

Quincy

its 12:57 and Im still up. why you ask? because im crazy. instead of buying the donuts my husband wanted for breakfast tomorrow, I offered to bake muffins. well since Quincy the turkey (yes we named the turkey, yes we're demented) has to go in at 6:30 in the morning. I have to bake the muffins that I opened my big fat mouth and said I would make tonight. if it wernt 1 in the morning, I would just go buy donuts. but oh well. I like baking, I love sharing my baking with others, it will be worth it.

my in-laws are here for Thanksgiving. since we've moved to the bay area the tradition of celebrating my birthday when we're together for thanksgiving has come to be. I dont complain, I get early presents. well this year is like no other, I got my birthday present early.

wanna know what I got? we regardless if you do or dont, I will tell because it makes me very happy and very excited. I hugged it

a Pfaff expression 2.0 sewing maching. as always Im technology defuncked and have yet to take a picture with my own camera so no visual. but i assure, its beautiful.

it has an extra long throat so I can quilt and a walking foor (something my current machine has lacked for the last 3 years ive had it) and it has all kinds of fun stitches and its just beautiful.

I cant wait to try it out, weeeeeee.

ok im delirious and my timer for the first batch of muffins is almost done and i have to find the camera battery and I really dont know how im still functioning much alone typing this.

needless to say, ignore all spelling errors and typos. too tired to bother editing.

Happy Thanksgiving!

T minus 2 days to Turkey day

3 days or so ago-ish my apartment was nearly ready for Thanksgiving company. My kitchen was a disaster but that is always the last thing to get cleaned.


Today? Today it is a disaster. I couldn't find 1 (1!) of my matching napkins that I'm using for Thanksgiving. I have another matched set, but I was gunghoe (sp? gun hoe? whatever) on using that set (its brown with orange and tan stripes, the tan stripes match my tablecloth perfectly, and they just look like thanksgiving) so I had to go in search of it. well I found it, but in the process started sorting clothes to get rid of since we're moving. which turned into sorting clothes for laundry, and then laundry.which actually got folded for a change, but not put away. I have stacks of towels and dish towels in my living room. so I was productive yesterday, you just cant tell

then at like 8:00 last night I decided it was a good time to organize my fabric, because I need to start Christmas presents, and I couldn't get to anything in the hall closet that I actually needed.

well needless to say, I now have fabric and sewing notions all over my hallway.

I'm supposed to have people over in 2 days for dinner, tomorrow Lulu is coming over to help prep. I have class tonight. so I need to get my act together, instead of writing about it I need to get up and do.

regardless of all of this I have almost all of my separate piles for my various Christmas gifts and I'm really excited about what I'm making people. it just needs to go on the back burner for now.

ok, off to fix my disaster of an apartment

the best time of the year

So we're entering my absolute favorite time of year.

Not only do we have the holiday, but my birthday is right around the corner. With the the month of December and part of November comes all the pretty decorations and lights and Christmas wreaths and just general holiday cheer.

Going into it this year I'm really trying to hold onto my holiday cheer. We've been ridiculously poor for the holidays before, so I'm not worried about that. But despite the lack of fundage we've always been able to decorate, even if it just means putting up my nativity scene and angel Jackson bought me the first Christmas we were married.

this year, that cant happen. 6 days before Christmas we have to be out of our apartment. It looks like we will be moving into a room in our church.

And I know that Christmas isn't about the twinkle lights and the tree and the ornaments, but oh how do I love those, they bring great joy to my heart. the memories that come with every ornament, the great smell the tree brings to my whole house. the Christmas music playing as I make my apartment pretty.

This is only a season and if we do move into the church, I wont have one tree Ill have at least 3 and the whole place will be decorated and Ill have a roof over my head and Ill be with my husband. these are the things that matter. I know this. I just really, really like making my apartment pretty.

Defining sufficiency

2 Corinthians 12:9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me


Portions of this verse have been popping up for me lately, and my question is this, what does it mean?Sufficiency is Christ, in the trinity really. what does that mean? how do I live this in my daily life?


Ive been going through alot of stuff lately, some really hard decisions are having to be made.Ive been talking off and on to a friend about the situation and Ive been getting really frustrated because for the most part I've been getting a lot of christian-ese of how God will provide and no situation is too big for God etc when all I was really wanting was a ear to listen to, a shoulder to cry on and some it will be ok's


I was thinking about this the other day because I've basically stopped talking to her about this particular situation because I wasn't getting what I wanted/needed but then it hit me, she was teaching me to rely on the complete sufficiency of The alpha and omega.


but I don't know how to do this, she has been in a similar situation and I was the one telling her how He will provide etc, but I cant seem to take that advise for myself.


when all seems lost or hopeless in a situation how to listen and hear and rely on His complete sufficiency, grace and unconditional love?


I pray for eyes to see, ears to hear and a heart to be open to the path He has for me and in this situation for it to be very obvious, because I'm very oblivious most of the time.

Today

I do not want to be a grown up today. that is all.

inspiration

when inspiration hits, it hits. Ive had projects needing to be worked on for months and Ive finally started one of them.

Today I have a bridal shower and a baby shower to go to, so of course they need gifts. I made a nursing cover for the mommy to be and recovered a brand new photo album I just happened to have in fabric and ribbon to match the brides colors.

I like how they turned out

The first one is a table runner for a housewarming, our friends just bought their first house. Im thinking about making placemats as well

the second picture is the album and cover

My First Thanksgiving

I've said this before but for the first few years I was married, I hated to cook, barely did it. Since moving to the bay area though I started cooking more. partically because I had more time and partially because Jackson didnt want to cook as much anymore because our new apartment didn't have a gas stove.

Flash forward to last year, Im fresh out of my home experience group and I was inspired and brave enough to tackle a turkey. That and my friend Lulu had done it before and said she would be my moral support/sous chef.

I prepared for weeks. Planning the menu, finding the right recipes that didnt sound intimidating. Shopping for a gravy boat, linens and all the ingredients.oh the list, so many lists, I loved it!

The day before comes around Lulu come over. we prep the turkey,bake pies, she makes cranberry sauce we have Kung fu panda on an endless loop in the background (I still have yet to watch the movie again) and it was fun

Thanksgiving day comes around and for the most part went off without a hitch. there were some timing issues, and my silly oven almost burnt the rolls, but everything turned out edible and my table looked beautiful. Larry the turkey was yummy.

it turned out so well that Im doing it again this year. i even started a tradition last year, Lulu is coming over wednesday again to help prep. it makes me happy

my matching napkins with leaf placecards, I was quite proud

The pretty table complete with rolls, turkey and gravy

Yummy, Yummy side dishes

this and that

• I didn't get the job, I'm doing surprising well about it.
• we're in the process of figuring out what to do for December, give our notice now and try to save our deposit or trust that we'll be able to come up with the money and if not forfeit the deposit?
• times are bleak but we have full faith in our God and know He has great plans for us Jer 29:11-12 and I Cor 2:9 are reminders of this
• we had some friends over for dinner last night: chick pea and tofu curry and chocolate oatmeal bars for dessert. The guys played chess while the ladies figured out how to rearrange my apartment, it was quite nice
• Class tonight and I haven't done any studying, I should probably do that
• I love my husband and my friends

odd dream

I had a dream about my dad last night.



not quite sure of the circumstances but for some reason I had to wait to be picked up by my mom at my dad's house, the random thing is I'm pretty sure I was the age I am now.



but I was supposed to be waiting in his empty house, the reason it was ok was he wasnt going to be home. 15 minutes, It was only supposed to be 15 minutes. but my mom was late and he showed up and it was quite akward.



in the dream I discovered things about my dad ( have no idea if they're true) he's a tinkerer and a clean freak and has christmas decorations up all year. but it wasnt like he hadnt taken them down ever, it was like he was in a constant state of redecorating, with christmas decorations.



he was confused on who Jackson was, first he thought he was someone my mom was married to and I was like,hello my husband, we've been together for almost 10 years!



it was quite odd indeed

grown up work

my interview went well, at least that's what I'm going with. I don't particularly think it went poorly, I'm just always my own worst critic.

this interview has refreshed my enthusiasm and passion for wanting to work in the non-profit sector specifically related to youth.

If I don't get this job, I have new inspiration for continuing my dream. I really hope I get it, in my head its the perfect entry level job combining all of my passions and skills sets.

I'm supposed to hear back by Friday or Monday at the latest. ideally she wants to hire Friday and have the person start working Tuesday.

Have I mentioned I really want this job?

nervous wreck

yep thats me, a nervous wreck about my interview.

I have great friends though and they help, and my awesome husband helps as always.

I can do this, I can do this, I can do this

Things are looking up

I have an interview Tuesday. not just any ole interview, an interview for a job that would actually be using my degree, amazing.

its at a youth program i volunteered at for almost a year. the person doing the interview was not only my supervisor while I volunteered by she is also a fellow alumni of not only my college but the same program I went through. The position title is Site Administrator. its a combination of office work and assisting the youth in their after school program. its 20-30 hours a week with the potential to go full time.

I'm trying not to get too excited. but it would be the answer to so many prayers.

Hope, I'm sticking with hope. actually that was in my cover letter, well Hope was. I had to talk about one of the virtues the programs holds dear and why I chose it, i went with hope. always go with hope.

yesterday we got a card in the mail from some good friends who have recently just gone through the struggle with unemployment along with a check. it was so sweet, and touching and I cried. the gesture meant so much to me and only reaffirms to me more that we have awesome friends and an awesome church family

good day today on top of the call back for the interview. a walk on the beach with perfect weather,baked cookies and had a blast at the talent show my church had tonight. it was hilarious.

ok,I think its time for bed

head spinning

so much struggle going on right now, scrambling to try to find a way to stay in the bay area.

so much going on in my brain and I cant come up with coherent thoughts to get the words out.

we love it here, are so extremely happy here. but right now its just really not being economically feasible to stay.

I have so many people praying for us, its amazing and touching. sometimes though it makes me want to cry, sometimes I don't sometimes i do

I don't know. i just don't know.

I'm frantically try to hold on to my Hope, I always have hope

getting healthy

so I'm overweight. I'm aware of this but until this year haven't done anything about it.

slowly but surely Ive been working on eating healthier. it started with the fast we had at church, it jumpstarted my motivation to healthier cooking.

fast forward to now and now I'm trying to work on the physical activity party of it. Ive been more physically active in the last year or so then I have in many years but I need more purpose to it.

Toni did this thing over the summer, couch to 5k that Im now trying out with a friend that I normally walk with. she also struggles with her weight and wanting to get healthy so she's a good person to keep each other accountable with.

Today was the first day. I think I liked it. its intervals of walking and running and as of right now we arnt running for any amount of time that ever feels like " am i done yet? I cant do this, i dont want to do this, why am i doing this?"

so yes day one to a healthier me.

now I just need a more variety of recipes and to stay committed. I can do this.

how to explain?

my family.

I never know how to appropriately paint the picture of my family. yes they are dysfunctional, but I love them. how to paint them in such a light that their craziness and their love come through in equal parts?

I went to dinner tonight with a couple from my church. I am friends with their daughter and only casually know them. the wife gave me a ride home today from the women's retreat and knew that my husband had gone out of town.

so fast forward to about 7:00 I get a call from a number I don't recognize but its a San Francisco area code and this fact indicates they know me. since I don't have a local area code I don't get wrong numbers a whole lot.

I say yes and they say ok, we'll be there in 2 minutes. I rush because as soon as I had gotten home I had promptly put on my PJ's.

we go to a Filipino food restaurant a few blocks from my house that I've never been brave enough to try. I've wanted to but I'm a firm believer that when you try something new you have to go with someone that knows what to order and whats good. they've been there, and are Filipino so this is a perfect opportunity. (by the way the food was delicious, so good. so good. Filipino food where have you been my whole life?)

well naturally since we don't know each other that well we talk about where I'm from etc etc. the topic of families turns up since David is visiting his and they ask about mine. I say where everyone lives etc etc and that I have a pretty small family. my mom and her crazy boyfriend working in Kuwait. and then they ask what about your dad? oh yeah,my dad that wont speak to me. and I cant talk about that really without talking about the why . and the why is hard to explain cuz its hard understand for even me and I lived it.

how do i explain this and not look pathetic? I'm that girl with that family, the flaky crazy ones. Its always hard and awkward for me. so I just don't talk about it really. I'm getting better though, because no matter what, that family is part of who I am and how I got here and not talking about it leaves a big gaping hole in the story of who I am.

the food and company was fabulous though and i think i was able to successfully navigate the new situation pretty well. this is hard for me because of my shyness no one knows exists. and it was so sweet they didn't want me eating dinner alone.they remind me a little of my in-laws. so genuine and generous and just good people. and did i mention I love Filipino food?

I need more hands

a friend asked me last night if there was something I didn't currently have my hand it right now, and really the answer was no.

the problem is I cant seem to say "no"
add that to I have the compulsion for adding things myself, without being asked when I'm already barely treading water in the time management issue.

like I invited some interns from church over for Sunday dinner. something I've been wanting to do for a while now, but really did I need to start this week? no

and we're helping some friends move on Saturday, granted we were asked. well we were asked via facebook/email. I really should have and could have said no, but did i? no

what I really need to be doing Saturday which I will be doing on top of the moving (with what time I don't know) is making my house presentable for guests, it currently looks like an lavender eye pillow sweat shop. I have fabric, lavender and flax seed everywhere. oh and I have to shop, because you know having food to serve would be helpful.

oh and then Sunday before people arrive for dinner I have to go over to my pastors house to fill goody bags for next weeks women's retreat. which I still have 18 more eye pillows to make for it. 85 total, feeewww I be glad when that projects over.

my life is full. I love it this way, I have way more of a life and am way more content with said life then I ever was in my hometown.
I just need to learn to slow down, say no, and not add stuff to an already full, overflowing plate.

or find a way to get paid for just being me, not having to work would free up a whole lot of time

somedays I want off this roller coaster

my life

work
churh
children's church
bible college class (synoptic gospels)
friends
cooking rut
apartment exploded with fabric/sewing/lavender for the women's retreat
general apartment explosion because I'm so busy I don't have time/energy to keep up with it
stolen moments of mindlessness
planning a missions trip to Africa for next summer

it all makes me tired, but I cant seem to find any areas that I can cut out
and it makes me need to write but because so much is going on outwardly and inwardly I don't know where to start

off to figure out what to make for dinner and study for my final

grumpy puss

I'm generally a glass half full kinda girl

but somehow Ive been a major grumpy puss lately and go to the negative on a lot of things. I catch myself doing it, so that's a step towards stopping it right?

our words and thoughts are an expression of our hearts, right? since that is the case then what is this telling me about my heart?

alot of thoughts are so very uncharacteristic of myself I don't know how to deal with them, no matter how bleak things have seemed in the past or how depressed I've been, Ive never had this particular mind set.

and it bugs me, alot.

there's a particular book I was reading awhile ago in discipleship. the battlefield of the mind by Joyce Meyer. I think I need to pick it back up, now if only I could find it...

Day Off

This is what I've done today off and on. I have a long list of actual productive things I still have yet to do. namely laundry, and dig out a notebook for class that starts tomorrow oh and grocery shop. but its my only day off this week and I cant seem to get up the motivation to do any of it.so I did this instead, its a belated birthday present for a friend

and I really need to learn how to edit html, I don't like that my text is all wonky and coming down the side of the pictures. meh

jumbled baby thoughts

I have a meltdown weekend part 2 written but not sure if ill actually post it.

Its long and says so much, and nothing at all

it doesnt say how im plagued with conflicting thoughts about wanting to be pregnant now, not that I no longer want to but that thinking maybe I shouldnt want to now. I know we're not in a great place right now financially but in my heart I know if I do get pregnant things will be tough yes, but will work out.

it doesnt say how I dont know why I am consumed with the want, need to have a baby. Our lives are good, we are happy. Im not wanting a baby to fufill anything or I dont know how to explain it. but none the less I am consumed

it also doesnt say how I realised a couple weeks ago that when I went off the pill and we prayed about it that I was basically saying ok God, I'm ready. I never stopped to think that maybe it really wasnt God's timing yet.

and it also doesnt say how I am taunted? haunted? not sure what word Im looking for but there are pregnant women and newborns everywhere I turn and its starting to get annoying. is everyone having a baby but me? somedays it feels like it

...and then I forgot the gift

major meltdown part 2



so the night before the shower arrives and this whole time I've been planning on making the momma to be a nursing cover, because I found the absolute perfect fabric.



but of course if it wernt for the last minute nothing would get done. I have a couple of friends over for dinner and I'm working on my project just hanging out and i have to take them home.



so we're driving home and my friend is talking about another friend that is helping with the baby shower and shes like in a few months we'll be throwing her a shower and my heart stops. what? I ask. shes pregnant, you didn't know? end of first trimester beginning of second, somewhere around there.



so I drop her off and the second she steps in her door, I'm balling. full on cry fest, but I'm driving and well crying out to God and just a royal mess.



so yet another person pregnant and I'm not. and this isn't a close friend by any means but she definitely in my circle of friends, Ive lead a small group with her, had dinner at her house. our husbands are part of the men's ministry leadership together. by no means strangers.



Jealousy and heartbreak consume me . I get home a mess, David the wonderful husband that he is comforts me. I talk out all my irrational fears, we're really not meant to be parents, I just thought I was supposed to be a mother, there were a whole host of them but that's the thing about irrational thoughts, they're irrational and you cant think of them after the fact.



so the next day I'm still on the brink of tears all morning but I've pulled myself together I have everything I said I would bring or need for games packed. I had finished the nursing cover somewhere around midnight. but its done and wrapped and I'm good to go.



till I get to the church and realize Ive forgotten the gift. I got out to the car just to make sure, and sure enough its not there either.



I see the pastors wife in the parking lot and tell and shes like its ok, you can give it to her one on one, it will be better that way. and I just cant hold myself together anymore and I start crying.



and somehow get across to her my mindset, how really forgetting the gift isn't really about forgetting the gift. but somehow the gift was holding me together, or something. I don't know even what i said. I just remember the heartache, still feel the heartache.



she prays for me in the middle of the parking lot, very comforting. then offers for me to go with her on an errand, which I gladly except.



the shower went beautifully. I went home between services and got the gift, she like it. it was an afternoon.



and i have to keep reminding myself. this is just a season, a season of being childless. and I may have a season where I'm not childless or I will continue on being so but either way I will be ok.



some days its harder to remember this then others

the last 8 months...

AKA major meltdown weekend part 1

So My friends baby shower was 3 weeks ago. we went off the pill at virtually the same time and we had been check-in buddies almost every month until month 5 and shes pregnant. and I wasn't.

initially I was just disappointed it wasn't me first. but a gazillion million women get pregnant within the first year of going off the pill, and it had only been 5 months so it was fine right?

as her pregnancy progresses however my disappointment turns into slight jealousy, which has increased exponentially with her baby belly as well as compounded with the fact that, oh guess what, I'm still not pregnant. .

alot of the time its hard for me to be around her, because since its her first birth and how it should be its all about being able to feel the baby flutter, doctors appointments and ultra sounds and finding out the sex of the baby, and how hes spreading out and making himself at home in her ribcage and how many inches shes grown and and and. and shes by no means rubbing it in my face. its just I want to be experiencing these things

don't get me wrong I am soooo happy for her. so much so that despite my jealousy and I really don't know what I was thinking I agreed to lead the games at the shower. and this wasn't any normal small close friends and family shower. it was being hosted by some women at the church and being held, at the church

so as the shower approaches my period doesn't, in fact it doesn't for 3 weeks and at this point I was convinced I was pregnant. however 3 pregnancy tests and then my period later I am yet again disappointed. so a week before the shower I'm disappointed but,I'm over (so I thought)

so I'm planning the games, gathering the supplies and ready for the shower, until the night before...

Julie & Julia

My in-laws came for a short visit this weekend. Saturday the ladies and gents went to separate movies. My father in-law and David saw District 9 (Blech!) and with my sister and mother-in-law and I saw Julie and Julia

excellent movie.

Somehow both the main characters managed to cover in different parts of the movie exactly where I'm at in my life. which of course has made me reflective.

being 20 something and not knowing what to do with your life. being married to a wonderfully supportive husband who encourages you in all your hair brained schemes. being married and finding out the ones closest to you are pregnant and being so thrilled and so utterly devastated at the same time.

oh and the food!

mmm makes me want to make Beef Bourguignon and get my own copy of mastering the art of french cooking (but I haven't decided if this is because I actually want to master the art of French cooking or it just sounds cool, realistically it just sounds cool)

oh goodness, I had a minor bordering on major meltdown 2 weekends ago and I really should write about it because I need to remember where my heart and my brain were at but Ive yet to get the words out.

Day off list to do: laundry, grocery shopping and quilting. all after I eat the wonderful breakfast my husband is making

oh goodness

heres a blog I wrote on myspace way back when, when I was working full time at Albertsons, not going to church, not really seeking after God but still calling myself a christian... wow.

Sunday, November 13, 2005
Realizations with no conclusions Current mood: contemplative Category: Life

ok God has a plan for me, i know that but i just want to know what it is, clearly. i want God to send me an email saying Joscelyn this is what youre going to do with your life. youre going to go to school here, major in this, have this profession, live here, etc...

But of course God doesnt work that way, and i want it to be easy. and in a way it is. by knowing that God is my father and that he forgives me for my sins i know where im going and that my purpose in life is to serve him.now its not easy in the sense im going to be rich and things are going to come easy, but at least i know the big picture. now the question of the day is in what capacity does he want me to serve? why cant he send me an email and let that part be easy. im not asking for everything to be easy just this one little thing.

now here is the other question...this whole time MY goal has been majoring in sociology and going to Sonoma. the fact that i so easily got in to SFSU in a completely different major with a completely different objective could mean this is Gods way of saying Joscelyn this is where you need to be. i would still like to go to Sonoma but with san fancisco it would mean a multiple subject teaching credential as opposed to a single. and at first i was like no no no no no, i dont want to teach little kids i want to teach teenagers. why i dont know but i do. but maybe God thinks i have more to offer younger kids.but now my stomach and my brain dont cringe at the thought of it. which brings me back to sonoma vs. san francisco. am i thinking all of this just because i know im in at san francisco or is it really where i need to be? Je ne sais pas!

(P.S. I still want that email)

I have...

done very little with my 4 days off. and I think I'm ok with that

I had high hopes, but sometimes you just need to rest.

I did get my hall closet cleaned and organized a little bit, got a bag of stuff together for goodwill, cut some fabric.

there's always another day to get things done, right?

I heart Fabric

and because I heart fabric and heart free fabric even more I am blogging about a giveaway

P.S. I quilt at http://rachel-griffith.blogspot.com/ is having a giveway for $50 for the fat quarter shop. sorry I dont know how to do fancy links, but in theory here is a picture


nope that doesnt work. but if you go the blog above, I promise she has fancy pictures and links.

stewardship

something that I was going over almost a year ago has come back to me now and its a way to name a yearning I've had lately.

I'm part of a women's group that teaches a program I guess you would call it, the name of this program is the Home Experience. its about having and bringing God back to the center of your home and family, but its oh so much more than that. its about the home in general, your role as wife. I guess its kinda like home ec for the christian crowd. but even that description doesnt give it justice

well one of the lessons is the use what you have principle. its all about using what you have both spiritual gifts and physical things for the glory of God. Being stewards of what he has blessed us with.

well flashing forward to about a week ago I had this overwhelming urge to feed people, specifically having big Sunday family dinners. first the thought was just to have it be an open ended thing for friends, invite people make alot of food and whoever comes, comes. well then I got more specific and have come to the conclusion that it can be that but I really need to invite the interns from church. single guys that live at the church and despite having a residence, dont really have a home. to cook for them,maybe watch a movie or play apples to apples or other such game. to give them the sense of home they don't have as they currently serve the Lord. I know most of them now don't really cook and its gotta get tiresome being in such a big place, eating sandwiches and frozen meals.

the word stewardship came to mind and that's what I'm having such an overwhelming desire to be, a steward of the home I have, despite it being small and not really having matching dishes I have the ability to cook and open this home I am continually blessed to keep with to others. yes this is my residence, my home but really it is Gods home and these men are my brothers in Christ and I need to bless them as God blesses me.

oh goodness i don't know what the point of this is or if maybe I just sound crazy but I am soo excited about this thought and cant wait till it comes to fruition

blurry

my life is a big blur right now. all work and a little church and alot boring.

alot of stuff has happened spiritually over the last few weeks, starting with camp.

I'm pretty sure I'm being called to full time children's ministry and other such, whoa what? stuff.

I don't know what to do with any of it right now, nor do I have the time or energy to really let it sink in and process. all I can do right now really is keep on keeping on.

so such is my life, nothing and everything going on

project time

I just got the tension on my sewing machine fixed, just in time for oh so very many projects

baby shower gift, wedding shower, housewarming, wedding and one long overdue quilt that I still only have a vague idea on what i want to do

looks like I wont have a dining room table for a while, quilting table here I come

but I am oh so very excited. its been quite some time since Ive done any real amount of sewing and I'm itching to get my creative juices going

slow to busy, very very busy

so Ive had roughly the last 5 weeks off of work. until about this last week and half I hadn't don't much.

so far in the last 10 days I've:

• Gone to the beach and BBQ with some new friends
• had a house party with the youth
• went to the fabulous 4th of July picnic in Golden Gate Park with my church family
• gone to kids camp for 3 days

Ive basically crammed all of summer into a very short amount of time.

I got back from camp at about 1am Wednesday night and had to be back to work last Thursday at 6. the last 5 days have been exhausting. finally I have the next two days off, which will also be action packed.

camp was amazing, God really did wonders in the lives of the kids and the leaders alike, including myself.

but that's for another post, for now its nap time.

Eeyore

today I feel like Eeyore. not so much the nobody loves me part, but just the general attitude.

I am touched my the generosity of spirit of some friends today and at the same time it just kinda increases my general meh-ness of it all.

i need to get over it. having to give up and go "home" is not necessarily inevitable.

marriage

as we approach our 6th wedding anniversary and as my best friend just got married I have been reflecting alot lately on marriage.

what makes marriages work? what makes soooo many of them not work?

My own marriage has been for the most part very easy. we've had our share of difficulties and when talking about it with David the other day we're having a harder time of it now financially then we did when we were both on strike but I think we're happier now then we where then. We were crazy happy then because we had only been married less than 6 months, but now its the long lasting happiness and not the newlywed bliss. But for the most part our marriage has been easy and I am so thankful for that everyday.

and for my husband. oh how I love him. The love grows everyday and it makes me sappy. But especially lately to see how his relationship with God has grown and how he has grown as a man, I am so proud of him.

but the question is why has it been so easy? my mom made a comment to a friend of mine a couple of years ago about our marriage that I had totally forgotten about until recently and i think its part of it. it was something along the lines of David and I just let each other be. yes we share our lives together but we also leave plenty of room for each of us to still be who we are as individuals, we give each other space it was I think my mom was getting at.

and its true we do that. yes he drives me crazy when he comes in to the room I'm in when I'm on the phone no matter who it is, and i drive it him crazy when I come up behind him chewing without realising it. but we still immensely enjoy spending time together and doing random old married couple stuff. and we talk about things when its uncomfortable and we're both ridiculously messy people who neither one of us got the neat freak gene from our parents, but we make it work and the dishes always get washed eventually.

and i don't even know what the point of this is. I Love my husband and and am thankful for him and cant believe 6 years has already flown by, well almost.

Meal Plan Monday

In the name of healthier eating, budgeting and just plain organization i am going back to planning out my meals, plus its just plain fun for a nerd like me!

Monday: Chicken Tacos with black beans and a veggie (not sure yet something seasonal that sounds good with the tacos maybe asparagus? if not too expensive)

Tuesday: Tuna Noodle Casserole

Wednesday: Crockpot Vegetarian "enchiladas"

Thursday:Monte Cristo Sandwiches with summer pasta salad

Friday:Youth Friday,leftover day

Saturday: chickpeas and yellow curry over jasmine rice w/naan

Sunday (6th wedding anniversary,in that honor a couple of Davids favorites): Chicken and Dumplings and Carrot Cake

cooking

a friend recently texts our other friend while I was driving and it said "I need to learn to cook"

when we got to her house, we were like in theory you know how to cook, well its more actuality

we changed the statement to you need to learn to enjoy cooking

which I can totally relate to

this is something I have just recently learned to do.

when we were first married something i did for various reasons: we needed to eat, and its cheaper than eating out all the time (which we did do our fare share of) and well as the wife it was something i was supposed to do. it had actually nothing to do with liking to cook, or enjoying in the least. I actually thought i was defunct because everyone in my family down to my baby brother loves cooking and can do it with the greatest of ease, almost always without a recipe.actually when we got married I was quite happy letting my husband cook, because he actually liked it more than me

its been within the last 2-3 years that I have gotten more confident in my cooking, and even enjoying it. its only been within the last year that I've even dared trying something without a recipe and just within the last month that I've tried something without a recipe and it turned out not only edible, but delicious. (the great stir fry fiasco of '08 was my first attempt without a recipe and boy or boy was trying to make my own sweet and sour sauce a bad idea)

and you know what? cooking is fun. even more fun is cooking for others, that makes me happy.

and now that i have mastered enjoying cooking, I'm enjoying trying new things and experimenting. and finding healthier recipes and alternatives to things has been fun as well.

oh is this adulthood? or even further than that, preparation for being a mother?

the everyday

Happiness is found in my everyday

I need to remember this

I had a fantastic day today, what did I do that made it so fantastic?

I babysat for a friend, baked a cheesecake, had a quiet afternoon with my husband, then went to a birthday party.

it doesn't sound like alot but i was going pretty well non stop (and freaking out about the cheesecake getting done) but it was nice.

throw in a child of my own and it would be my ideal. but even without my own baby now I am happy, we are happy.

we may not have our dream jobs and we may be really stretched financially, but God is doing awesome things in our life and I am thankful to that.

These are things I need to remember, the happiness in the everyday

my dad

this could be long or a two parter or very short. not sure where this is going.

its hard to explain to people why my dad and I dont speak. its been so long its kind like why dont we speak?.

it wasnt like one day we just stopped talking.

it was years of rockiness that culminated in my dad equating me to my mother and granmother and washed his hands of me. well thats the short version.

I kinda can say it all started....here....but really what good does that do? i cant go back in time.

its the rejection thats the hardest to take. its not like we had a rocky relationship my whole life, it was quite the contrary. I was a daddies girl in every sense. i helped him with his projects and he made me lunches and we even had our own christmas tree, and went camping, and whenever he had been working for long periods of time out of town and i wouldnt get to see him he would take me on a special trip just him and I. I have so many fond memories and he acts as if none of those exisist, i dont exist.

i think what i need to get out now has nothing to do with the past, well everything to do with the past as i wouldnt be at this place if all of these little things added up to I havent seen my dad in at least 5 years and havent had anything resembling a relationship in 12.

but back to the present. I was asked tonight about my parents, by someone I thought knew about my dad, and I had to explain it. and its so hard because its such a long story i shorten, which leaves wholes to the point im sure that whoever im telling it to is like how does A+B=C?

so I was told a few weeks ago to let go and im back to my original question, what does that look like?

I WANT to let go I WANT to be over the pain, for it to be gone but I dont know HOW.

and then i just cry, like always.

and I really dont know what the point of this was

morning coffee

David started working nights last night.

I actually slept with only waking up a few times to check the time.

the apartment is very quiet in the morning. perfect for quiet time with Jesus, i just need to actually do it.

talked to my mom this morning, best conversation we've had in a few weeks as far as not being awkward. but short as she was at work. and drama filled concerning my brother.

I feel God is working wonders in some lives of 2 very close friends and its fabulous. I'm just jealous. then i get frustrated with myself because that's just silly for multiple reasons. and I don't think I'm even jealous of what He's doing in their lives as much as they're bonding over it. either way its ridiculous.

Ive given myself today to clean and go over to the church to help organize and then tomorrow I'm hitting the ground running with applying for jobs.

I think now i shall go spend time with Jesus.

a prayerful quandary

Ok I was told a few weeks ago to let many things go. one of them being the pain caused by my dad

I was working yesterday and I was stocking the men's shaving products and stumbled upon some Gillette shave gel. I decided I wanted to know what it smelled like to see if its something David may want.

it smelled like my dad.

now he has had a beard my entire life so I don't think he's ever used Gillette shaving gel on a regular basis, it must of been something else of that brand that he used. deodorant maybe.

i guess it doesn't really matter.

in the middle of work though it sent my brain reeling. back to 3 Wednesdays ago when I was told to let go.

my question is this. what is that supposed to look like?

am I supposed to let go of my desire for reconciliation? or am I supposed to reconcile in order to let go?

a prayerful quandary indeed.

I heart Weddings

My best friend got married Saturday. It was a beautiful day and I couldn't be happier for her. I can see how much her now husband truly loves her and that makes me smile.

who knew that Mr. Antonio's 8th grade science class would get us where we are now. Friends through thick, thin and many miles, a friendship I will always cherish.

Congratulations Mrs. Hammer, you deserve all the happiness in the world and who knew through all of those crushes, pints of Ben and Jerry's, magazines, slumber parties, weekly trips to walmart,Starbucks. and boo boo's that we would now both be old married women?

it makes me smile indeed.

rocked by the holy spirit

i do not have words to articulate tonight's church service. just wow.WOW. WOW.



to not forget:let go



HE is the only was that has never, will never let me down, let Him take it, he is holding out his arms waiting for me to hand it over. I just need to let go.

Job 23:10-12

for memorization:

But he knows the way that I take:
when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold

My feet have closely followed his steps:
I have kept to his way without turning aside

I have not departed from the commands of his lips:
I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my
daily bread.

struggling

its been a tough week.

I'm struggling with small picture disappointment and big picture confusion.

I feel lost,and very exhausted from the journey of trying to get unlost, or just the journey period.

I just want for once in my life for things to be easy, like it seems for some many. I'm just tired of struggling.

just tired.

Happy Heart

life is in a strange state for many i know currently.

spring time always brings hope, and love, and potential.

life never goes where you think it goes or what you want when you are younger

sometimes its better sometimes its worse. but regardless it moves on.

I may not know what job I'm supposed to have or when ill have a baby but i do know that I am truly blessed to have an awesome husband that i love dearly along with friends i love just as much.

I need to remind myself of these things when i catch myself getting caught up in the day in day out of life. I need to sit back and look at the big picture.

I don't need to have it figured out, God does. my husband loves me. at 26 I can still giggle with my friends over boys, the future and life and that makes me happy.

Saturday Morning

Life is still busy but I have the whole weekend off, which makes catching up with life and sleep a whole heck of a lot easier. even though "sleeping in" now means 8, i guess that is when I'm normally up at 6 or 6:30.

so much mulling on my mind

David has been offered a full time job at home depot. benefits, set schedule. only draw back is its 10 pm-6 am. but it will work with my schedule so we can both use the car and we will still be able to have dinner together and he will still be able to do church stuff.

my mind has been constantly going on what God has in store for me/us. i think I'm being called to serve full time. not necessarily full time ministry mind you but something. I keep going back to the San Francisco Youth With a Mission (YWAM) website and it has a contact us if you're interested in working with us section and I've yet to bring myself to call.

i think its been made abundantly clear with the job opportunities David has been getting that we are meant to be in the bay area (considering this time last month we were seriously thinking about having to move back home), i just want to know what that looks like long term.

work has been drama, got better and then went right back to the same ole same ole. bleh.

my very bestest, oldest friend is getting married in 4 weeks, her bridal shower is today. I wish I could be there but after bit of uncertainty as far as finances are concerned I will be there for the wedding and that's the important thing. I cry a little if i think about it too much, I am so happy for her. I love you Toni!!!

to do for today: make a birthday present for a friend, figure out a birthday present for David and go shopping for a bridesmaids dress.

for now im off to eat the yummy breakfast my husband made