my dad

this could be long or a two parter or very short. not sure where this is going.

its hard to explain to people why my dad and I dont speak. its been so long its kind like why dont we speak?.

it wasnt like one day we just stopped talking.

it was years of rockiness that culminated in my dad equating me to my mother and granmother and washed his hands of me. well thats the short version.

I kinda can say it all started....here....but really what good does that do? i cant go back in time.

its the rejection thats the hardest to take. its not like we had a rocky relationship my whole life, it was quite the contrary. I was a daddies girl in every sense. i helped him with his projects and he made me lunches and we even had our own christmas tree, and went camping, and whenever he had been working for long periods of time out of town and i wouldnt get to see him he would take me on a special trip just him and I. I have so many fond memories and he acts as if none of those exisist, i dont exist.

i think what i need to get out now has nothing to do with the past, well everything to do with the past as i wouldnt be at this place if all of these little things added up to I havent seen my dad in at least 5 years and havent had anything resembling a relationship in 12.

but back to the present. I was asked tonight about my parents, by someone I thought knew about my dad, and I had to explain it. and its so hard because its such a long story i shorten, which leaves wholes to the point im sure that whoever im telling it to is like how does A+B=C?

so I was told a few weeks ago to let go and im back to my original question, what does that look like?

I WANT to let go I WANT to be over the pain, for it to be gone but I dont know HOW.

and then i just cry, like always.

and I really dont know what the point of this was