Day Off

This is what I've done today off and on. I have a long list of actual productive things I still have yet to do. namely laundry, and dig out a notebook for class that starts tomorrow oh and grocery shop. but its my only day off this week and I cant seem to get up the motivation to do any of it.so I did this instead, its a belated birthday present for a friend

and I really need to learn how to edit html, I don't like that my text is all wonky and coming down the side of the pictures. meh

jumbled baby thoughts

I have a meltdown weekend part 2 written but not sure if ill actually post it.

Its long and says so much, and nothing at all

it doesnt say how im plagued with conflicting thoughts about wanting to be pregnant now, not that I no longer want to but that thinking maybe I shouldnt want to now. I know we're not in a great place right now financially but in my heart I know if I do get pregnant things will be tough yes, but will work out.

it doesnt say how I dont know why I am consumed with the want, need to have a baby. Our lives are good, we are happy. Im not wanting a baby to fufill anything or I dont know how to explain it. but none the less I am consumed

it also doesnt say how I realised a couple weeks ago that when I went off the pill and we prayed about it that I was basically saying ok God, I'm ready. I never stopped to think that maybe it really wasnt God's timing yet.

and it also doesnt say how I am taunted? haunted? not sure what word Im looking for but there are pregnant women and newborns everywhere I turn and its starting to get annoying. is everyone having a baby but me? somedays it feels like it

...and then I forgot the gift

major meltdown part 2



so the night before the shower arrives and this whole time I've been planning on making the momma to be a nursing cover, because I found the absolute perfect fabric.



but of course if it wernt for the last minute nothing would get done. I have a couple of friends over for dinner and I'm working on my project just hanging out and i have to take them home.



so we're driving home and my friend is talking about another friend that is helping with the baby shower and shes like in a few months we'll be throwing her a shower and my heart stops. what? I ask. shes pregnant, you didn't know? end of first trimester beginning of second, somewhere around there.



so I drop her off and the second she steps in her door, I'm balling. full on cry fest, but I'm driving and well crying out to God and just a royal mess.



so yet another person pregnant and I'm not. and this isn't a close friend by any means but she definitely in my circle of friends, Ive lead a small group with her, had dinner at her house. our husbands are part of the men's ministry leadership together. by no means strangers.



Jealousy and heartbreak consume me . I get home a mess, David the wonderful husband that he is comforts me. I talk out all my irrational fears, we're really not meant to be parents, I just thought I was supposed to be a mother, there were a whole host of them but that's the thing about irrational thoughts, they're irrational and you cant think of them after the fact.



so the next day I'm still on the brink of tears all morning but I've pulled myself together I have everything I said I would bring or need for games packed. I had finished the nursing cover somewhere around midnight. but its done and wrapped and I'm good to go.



till I get to the church and realize Ive forgotten the gift. I got out to the car just to make sure, and sure enough its not there either.



I see the pastors wife in the parking lot and tell and shes like its ok, you can give it to her one on one, it will be better that way. and I just cant hold myself together anymore and I start crying.



and somehow get across to her my mindset, how really forgetting the gift isn't really about forgetting the gift. but somehow the gift was holding me together, or something. I don't know even what i said. I just remember the heartache, still feel the heartache.



she prays for me in the middle of the parking lot, very comforting. then offers for me to go with her on an errand, which I gladly except.



the shower went beautifully. I went home between services and got the gift, she like it. it was an afternoon.



and i have to keep reminding myself. this is just a season, a season of being childless. and I may have a season where I'm not childless or I will continue on being so but either way I will be ok.



some days its harder to remember this then others

the last 8 months...

AKA major meltdown weekend part 1

So My friends baby shower was 3 weeks ago. we went off the pill at virtually the same time and we had been check-in buddies almost every month until month 5 and shes pregnant. and I wasn't.

initially I was just disappointed it wasn't me first. but a gazillion million women get pregnant within the first year of going off the pill, and it had only been 5 months so it was fine right?

as her pregnancy progresses however my disappointment turns into slight jealousy, which has increased exponentially with her baby belly as well as compounded with the fact that, oh guess what, I'm still not pregnant. .

alot of the time its hard for me to be around her, because since its her first birth and how it should be its all about being able to feel the baby flutter, doctors appointments and ultra sounds and finding out the sex of the baby, and how hes spreading out and making himself at home in her ribcage and how many inches shes grown and and and. and shes by no means rubbing it in my face. its just I want to be experiencing these things

don't get me wrong I am soooo happy for her. so much so that despite my jealousy and I really don't know what I was thinking I agreed to lead the games at the shower. and this wasn't any normal small close friends and family shower. it was being hosted by some women at the church and being held, at the church

so as the shower approaches my period doesn't, in fact it doesn't for 3 weeks and at this point I was convinced I was pregnant. however 3 pregnancy tests and then my period later I am yet again disappointed. so a week before the shower I'm disappointed but,I'm over (so I thought)

so I'm planning the games, gathering the supplies and ready for the shower, until the night before...

Julie & Julia

My in-laws came for a short visit this weekend. Saturday the ladies and gents went to separate movies. My father in-law and David saw District 9 (Blech!) and with my sister and mother-in-law and I saw Julie and Julia

excellent movie.

Somehow both the main characters managed to cover in different parts of the movie exactly where I'm at in my life. which of course has made me reflective.

being 20 something and not knowing what to do with your life. being married to a wonderfully supportive husband who encourages you in all your hair brained schemes. being married and finding out the ones closest to you are pregnant and being so thrilled and so utterly devastated at the same time.

oh and the food!

mmm makes me want to make Beef Bourguignon and get my own copy of mastering the art of french cooking (but I haven't decided if this is because I actually want to master the art of French cooking or it just sounds cool, realistically it just sounds cool)

oh goodness, I had a minor bordering on major meltdown 2 weekends ago and I really should write about it because I need to remember where my heart and my brain were at but Ive yet to get the words out.

Day off list to do: laundry, grocery shopping and quilting. all after I eat the wonderful breakfast my husband is making

oh goodness

heres a blog I wrote on myspace way back when, when I was working full time at Albertsons, not going to church, not really seeking after God but still calling myself a christian... wow.

Sunday, November 13, 2005
Realizations with no conclusions Current mood: contemplative Category: Life

ok God has a plan for me, i know that but i just want to know what it is, clearly. i want God to send me an email saying Joscelyn this is what youre going to do with your life. youre going to go to school here, major in this, have this profession, live here, etc...

But of course God doesnt work that way, and i want it to be easy. and in a way it is. by knowing that God is my father and that he forgives me for my sins i know where im going and that my purpose in life is to serve him.now its not easy in the sense im going to be rich and things are going to come easy, but at least i know the big picture. now the question of the day is in what capacity does he want me to serve? why cant he send me an email and let that part be easy. im not asking for everything to be easy just this one little thing.

now here is the other question...this whole time MY goal has been majoring in sociology and going to Sonoma. the fact that i so easily got in to SFSU in a completely different major with a completely different objective could mean this is Gods way of saying Joscelyn this is where you need to be. i would still like to go to Sonoma but with san fancisco it would mean a multiple subject teaching credential as opposed to a single. and at first i was like no no no no no, i dont want to teach little kids i want to teach teenagers. why i dont know but i do. but maybe God thinks i have more to offer younger kids.but now my stomach and my brain dont cringe at the thought of it. which brings me back to sonoma vs. san francisco. am i thinking all of this just because i know im in at san francisco or is it really where i need to be? Je ne sais pas!

(P.S. I still want that email)

I have...

done very little with my 4 days off. and I think I'm ok with that

I had high hopes, but sometimes you just need to rest.

I did get my hall closet cleaned and organized a little bit, got a bag of stuff together for goodwill, cut some fabric.

there's always another day to get things done, right?