the last 8 months...

AKA major meltdown weekend part 1

So My friends baby shower was 3 weeks ago. we went off the pill at virtually the same time and we had been check-in buddies almost every month until month 5 and shes pregnant. and I wasn't.

initially I was just disappointed it wasn't me first. but a gazillion million women get pregnant within the first year of going off the pill, and it had only been 5 months so it was fine right?

as her pregnancy progresses however my disappointment turns into slight jealousy, which has increased exponentially with her baby belly as well as compounded with the fact that, oh guess what, I'm still not pregnant. .

alot of the time its hard for me to be around her, because since its her first birth and how it should be its all about being able to feel the baby flutter, doctors appointments and ultra sounds and finding out the sex of the baby, and how hes spreading out and making himself at home in her ribcage and how many inches shes grown and and and. and shes by no means rubbing it in my face. its just I want to be experiencing these things

don't get me wrong I am soooo happy for her. so much so that despite my jealousy and I really don't know what I was thinking I agreed to lead the games at the shower. and this wasn't any normal small close friends and family shower. it was being hosted by some women at the church and being held, at the church

so as the shower approaches my period doesn't, in fact it doesn't for 3 weeks and at this point I was convinced I was pregnant. however 3 pregnancy tests and then my period later I am yet again disappointed. so a week before the shower I'm disappointed but,I'm over (so I thought)

so I'm planning the games, gathering the supplies and ready for the shower, until the night before...