cooking

a friend recently texts our other friend while I was driving and it said "I need to learn to cook"

when we got to her house, we were like in theory you know how to cook, well its more actuality

we changed the statement to you need to learn to enjoy cooking

which I can totally relate to

this is something I have just recently learned to do.

when we were first married something i did for various reasons: we needed to eat, and its cheaper than eating out all the time (which we did do our fare share of) and well as the wife it was something i was supposed to do. it had actually nothing to do with liking to cook, or enjoying in the least. I actually thought i was defunct because everyone in my family down to my baby brother loves cooking and can do it with the greatest of ease, almost always without a recipe.actually when we got married I was quite happy letting my husband cook, because he actually liked it more than me

its been within the last 2-3 years that I have gotten more confident in my cooking, and even enjoying it. its only been within the last year that I've even dared trying something without a recipe and just within the last month that I've tried something without a recipe and it turned out not only edible, but delicious. (the great stir fry fiasco of '08 was my first attempt without a recipe and boy or boy was trying to make my own sweet and sour sauce a bad idea)

and you know what? cooking is fun. even more fun is cooking for others, that makes me happy.

and now that i have mastered enjoying cooking, I'm enjoying trying new things and experimenting. and finding healthier recipes and alternatives to things has been fun as well.

oh is this adulthood? or even further than that, preparation for being a mother?

the everyday

Happiness is found in my everyday

I need to remember this

I had a fantastic day today, what did I do that made it so fantastic?

I babysat for a friend, baked a cheesecake, had a quiet afternoon with my husband, then went to a birthday party.

it doesn't sound like alot but i was going pretty well non stop (and freaking out about the cheesecake getting done) but it was nice.

throw in a child of my own and it would be my ideal. but even without my own baby now I am happy, we are happy.

we may not have our dream jobs and we may be really stretched financially, but God is doing awesome things in our life and I am thankful to that.

These are things I need to remember, the happiness in the everyday

my dad

this could be long or a two parter or very short. not sure where this is going.

its hard to explain to people why my dad and I dont speak. its been so long its kind like why dont we speak?.

it wasnt like one day we just stopped talking.

it was years of rockiness that culminated in my dad equating me to my mother and granmother and washed his hands of me. well thats the short version.

I kinda can say it all started....here....but really what good does that do? i cant go back in time.

its the rejection thats the hardest to take. its not like we had a rocky relationship my whole life, it was quite the contrary. I was a daddies girl in every sense. i helped him with his projects and he made me lunches and we even had our own christmas tree, and went camping, and whenever he had been working for long periods of time out of town and i wouldnt get to see him he would take me on a special trip just him and I. I have so many fond memories and he acts as if none of those exisist, i dont exist.

i think what i need to get out now has nothing to do with the past, well everything to do with the past as i wouldnt be at this place if all of these little things added up to I havent seen my dad in at least 5 years and havent had anything resembling a relationship in 12.

but back to the present. I was asked tonight about my parents, by someone I thought knew about my dad, and I had to explain it. and its so hard because its such a long story i shorten, which leaves wholes to the point im sure that whoever im telling it to is like how does A+B=C?

so I was told a few weeks ago to let go and im back to my original question, what does that look like?

I WANT to let go I WANT to be over the pain, for it to be gone but I dont know HOW.

and then i just cry, like always.

and I really dont know what the point of this was

morning coffee

David started working nights last night.

I actually slept with only waking up a few times to check the time.

the apartment is very quiet in the morning. perfect for quiet time with Jesus, i just need to actually do it.

talked to my mom this morning, best conversation we've had in a few weeks as far as not being awkward. but short as she was at work. and drama filled concerning my brother.

I feel God is working wonders in some lives of 2 very close friends and its fabulous. I'm just jealous. then i get frustrated with myself because that's just silly for multiple reasons. and I don't think I'm even jealous of what He's doing in their lives as much as they're bonding over it. either way its ridiculous.

Ive given myself today to clean and go over to the church to help organize and then tomorrow I'm hitting the ground running with applying for jobs.

I think now i shall go spend time with Jesus.

a prayerful quandary

Ok I was told a few weeks ago to let many things go. one of them being the pain caused by my dad

I was working yesterday and I was stocking the men's shaving products and stumbled upon some Gillette shave gel. I decided I wanted to know what it smelled like to see if its something David may want.

it smelled like my dad.

now he has had a beard my entire life so I don't think he's ever used Gillette shaving gel on a regular basis, it must of been something else of that brand that he used. deodorant maybe.

i guess it doesn't really matter.

in the middle of work though it sent my brain reeling. back to 3 Wednesdays ago when I was told to let go.

my question is this. what is that supposed to look like?

am I supposed to let go of my desire for reconciliation? or am I supposed to reconcile in order to let go?

a prayerful quandary indeed.